Wednesday, 18 March 2009

What If You Were Dead?

What If You Were Dead?

No, this isn't a death threat and nor is it some esoteric spiritual afterlife ghosty blog.

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite fond of some of you rubberheads on MySpace! You keep me entertained, get me thinking, make me rant, and some of you even read the crap that I write! In fact, the chances are if you're reading this and you aren't some mad crazy stalker, I might even miss you if you stopped!

The other day I was thinking about what happens when a blogger dies.

I don't think I'm subscribed to anyone in their 90s, so aside from anything else there would at least be some degree of tragedy to the whole thing, in that one of us has been 'taken before our time' (whatever that actually means), and chances are it wouldn't be expected or even A Good Way To Go.

But would anyone ever know?

If you're anything like me, most people who read my blogs are people I've never actually met before. There are a couple of Real Life mates like War Bastard and of course Lill Boo who stop in from time to time who'd obviously know pretty soon - but what about everyone else?

Think back to blogs you used to read that have now disappeared. Even if it's a blog you enjoyed, it could be weeks or months until you even realise they haven't been around. Even then you'll probably just assume they're on holiday or found someone to hang out the back of rather than spend their time mooching about online.

You could quite easily buy the farm and nobody here would ever know what had happened.

It's one of those weird situations online life has thrown into the mix. Before the internet you'd hear about it from someone but now, for an online friend...?

Last year, a Canadian bloke I'd met through chatrooms had a huge heart attack and died on the spot. He wasn't a blogger or anything, and we weren't mega-close, but he was one of those people who popped up on MSN Messenger and we'd have a good chat - or we'd post crap to each other on Facebook and add each other to stupid apps. Definitely someone I'd class as an Online Friend.

It was 2 or 3 months after that when I just caught a message posted by someone else for him saying "R.I.P". I'd been wondering where he was, but figured he'd pop up again...

So what would happen if you died? Would someone log into your account and tell people what happened? Does anyone have your passwords, and would they even think for a second about your Online Friends?

Is this something we should be putting in our Wills now? "My passwords for MySpace and Facebook are xxxx - please change my status to 'is dead'"?

Err... should I actually HAVE a Will?

Anyway - try not to die if you can.

I'll do my best!

Monday, 16 March 2009

A Strange Internet Meet....

A Strange Internet Meet....

I'd said that I'd meet one girl I'd been talking to for a while - again, no pressure or expectations. In fact, I don't think I'd even seen any pics of her.

What the hell! It gave me a destination to ride to, and the chance for some company for a meal and drink when I got there.

So I spoke to her friend online (who I didn't really know), and arranged it all within a week to go and meet them.

On the day, all I had was a town name and the mobile numbers of both girls. That was more than enough for me, because it was miles away down some great roads.

I'd sent a few text messages earlier to confirm a rough time of arrival, and as I got close to the town, I thought I'd better pull over and get some directions to somewhere that we could meet up. I called the friend.

"Hi, I'm just coming into the town now! How do I get to you?"
*imagine her replying in the most irritating, whiney voice Satan has ever conceived*
"Ooh, I don't know! I'm not too good with directions!"
"OK – where are you?"
"Err… by my house."
*Picture me rolling my eyes and slapping a hand over them like a stoned Orangutan*
"Riiiight… I'll need a bit more than that…?"
"Umm… I don't really know roads…"

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ. Now, this was a town near the Welsh border, so I thought anyone living there would at least be able to tell me if I needed to take the road which headed towards Wales – it being an entire fucking country and all…

But she didn't even know that.

By some stroke of total and utter luck, I rode into the town and managed to find a pub that she'd mentioned, after quite a few miles of randomly guessing at where I was supposed to head for! Spooky!

So I called the friend back, and she came and met me.

"Let's go inside – I'll buy you a meal and a drink!"
"Ooh no… I don't want to go in there… I'll just wait outside for you."

Ok, now it was getting weird. Added to this was the fact that the girl who I actually knew, and was intending to meet, didn't actually know that I was coming, and was at work!!!

So I went into this pub, and sat and ate a meal myself, while she stood outside just across the street! All on her own! Next to a phone box!

Anyway, after that I stood on the street for a while with her, and it soon became obvious that we weren't going anywhere else… I made my excuses after a polite time, and told her I had to leave.

I did have to leave: I was starting to expect Candid Camera or a Big Knife In My Spleen.

Even weirder was that over the next few days she started sending me text messages saying she had feelings for me, and asking when I was coming to see her again! Umm, ok – she wasn't bad-looking, but she seemed really distant and there was definitely no attempt at any intimacy, other than me giving her a quick hug and peck on the cheek before I left!

I never did meet the girl I actually knew, and I still don't' really know what the whole business was about…

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Romance & Relationships - You're Doing It Wrong!!!

Romance & Relationships - You're Doing It Wrong!!!

I got bored on a quiet day yesterday, so decided to have a trawl through some of the 'top blogs' lists on MySpace. First off, I couldn't really give a kippers dick that my blogs aren't allowed to rank (although it would be nice to have the odd one ranking now and again just to piss on Tom's bonfire) - but I think it is taking the piss when most of these 'top blogs' have one or two comments on them?!

I mean come the fuck on! Do they pull these rankings out of a hat??? And people are still trying to hit these 'top rankings'?

Of course, as I like laughing at stupid people, I found myself reading random blogs from the Romance & Relationships category.

There were two types of blogs that seemed to dominate:

Blogs by women who've just met someone and saying how chuffed they were to have been discussing their future plans of marriage and children with their new man, and

Blogs by women whose new lover has just stopped contacting them after a seemingly great date.


Do I really have to spell out the link between these? Is there a plague of Desperation sweeping the women of the world?

Then there are the dating blogs. All the tales of woe about how nobody wants to commit to a proper relationship. How people are meeting up and as it turns out all one side wants (usually the male) is sex. And they usually appear to get it.

Mingled in snuggly with these are the dating blogs written by people who are going on as many dates with as many people as they can.

"Don't tie yourself down! Look at all the options!" they cry! These are modern times and it's a buyers market! There's no need for anyone to settle until they're absolutely sure they've found the right partner.


Is it just me here that can see this shit? Look! Can you spot where the problem is with both of those?

*jumps around and makes spakka noises*

FFS people! Is everyone really as stupid as it's looking?

Is this why cheating is on the up - because nobody knows what the fuck they want or are supposed to want anymore?

After all, why bother committing to set yourself up for failure when the one you've been dating for a few weeks decides Date #13 was a better liar when asked about what they wanted 20 years into the future?

And at least they got the shag.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Today Is A Good Day To Die

Today Is A Good Day To Die

I strive to be able to say these words every single day of my life - and to MEAN it.

Now I know that straight away, most of you will have taken that completely the wrong way. It does not mean I'm suicidal or that I want to die. It is in fact about as opposite as you can get!

Most of you will have heard these words from Native American Indians, or whatever you have to call them to be PC these days. The rest of you uncouth yobs may have heard it in the film 'Flatliners'.

It does not mean "I want to die today". Let me explain it:

If you live your life to your best ability, fulfilling your potential in every possible way - then you've done all you can.

You've LIVED.

I can look back on my life, and see there are people I have genuinely helped - some I've even saved their lives in some way.
I have friends and family who I'd do almost anything for, and they for me.
I've followed my dreams, and learnt Martial Arts, Sword Fencing, played Quarterback in US Football.
Played bass on stage and sung on stage in two excellent bands.
I've loved with my whole heart and soul.
I've made people feel loved who never had that before.
I've had a hell of a lot of fun.
I've had a hell of a lot of pain.
I've seen loads of money come rolling in, and loads go rolling out.
I've been self-employed.
I've seen the true beauty of nature; of people; of everything.
I've laughed.
I've faced death on its terms and on my own terms.
I've known the joy of connecting with animals of all kinds.
I've striven to be a Good Person.
I've met my own Evil, embraced it, and controlled it.
I've seen the truth in peoples eyes - good and bad.
I've ridden high-performance bikes at insane speeds in all locations of the UK, and not only survived the experience but been PAID for it!
I've stood on a hillside looking out over the world and realised how awesome it was.
I've experienced things that are either supernatural or just plain weird.
I've made love - properly, with someone who loved me and I loved them.
I've made others cry with laughter.
I've felt and given passion.
I've been a success at almost everything I've ever wanted to do.

That's nowhere near my full list - and how many people can even touch on that???

And although that's only a tiny fraction of what I want to do, and what I know I can and will do with the rest of my life - I think I can say I've lived.

And I love life.

So if I died today, it would be as good a day as any for it. Sure, it would mean there's an infinite number of things I haven't done, but I haven't wasted my life, and I've made my mark. People would miss me - I think I can safely say I'd be remembered in a fond way by almost everyone I've ever met.

Today is a fine day, with endless possibilities. Anything could happen. I won't take this day or any other for granted.

Today is a good day.

Who wants to die on a bad day?

And that is why I'll often say to myself: "Today is a good day to die."

Can you say it?

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Porn - How To Ruin A Wank

Porn - How To Ruin A Wank

Anyone who says they don't like porn is lying.

That's like saying you don't get turned on by sex. If you just went to open your lying little gob in protest, then I will tell you now that if you THINK you don't like porn, then you're just watching the wrong type!

There's something for everyone. It's like religion! You can even stick to 'your' kind of porn and be ruthlessly against any other type that you don't like/understand!

Personally, I like it real. Real people, real sounds, real sex. This fake Hollywood porn never did a thing for me since I was 12 years old - other than bore me. Blowjob - hard fast sex with her screaming constantly - cum all over her face. Get the fuck out of here!

Since the internet is here and choc-full of porny badness there are many different varied types. Strangely, if you order your potential porn downloads on any site, you'll see that the top results are all animal sex, rape, torture, and shitting in each others mouths! How does this work??? I mean, I can understand people viewing this stuff for a laugh and to show their mates... but these being the top results undoubtedly means that a Hell of a lot of people are using this kind of stuff to get off.


You sick little monkeys!

Anyway, as a tribute to the modern trends of porn, here are the things that are becoming all too common in porn that turn me right the fuck off. You can bet all these things will be seen as 'the norm' in a few years time, and your partner will be expecting this from you in the bedroom.

I've put this one in as proof of my last statement. This has always been going on, but it's only in the last 20 years that this has become mainstream and almost expected in any porn. Who wants this? Fair play if you are into this, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who really doesn't want to see broomstick-up-the-butt action? ALL the time.

It really is hard to find porn of any kind without anal. This now includes all the amateur stuff. And you wonder why your boyfriends have all wanted to poke you up the pooper.

In this, I'm also going to include fingering assholes of either sex, and licking and tounguing their stinky brown ring. Wash your fucking mouths out with bleach!

Is your crack-whore not turned on enough for you to rape her ass? Can't get that 16" dick all the way down your gullet?

Hock up a big white frothy lugey and spit on that pink-part like you're a 14 year old Chav sat on a park bench!

What the fuck???? Do I need to say more?

I think this one is probably worse than spitting. A blowjob with deep throat action isn't enough anymore. It's better if you stick your cranny axe so far down her throat that her eyes stream with tears and she gags.

Even better if she spews a little bit, and her biley phlegm strings out from cock to mouth and drips down over her breasts, right?


Get It Up!
Porn is supposed to be turning you on. You'd think that this would be helped along if the people making the damn thing were turned on too, right?

So what's all this stuff with having to fold his half-flaccid penis into your squish mitten? And even worse when she's bouncing up and down on it and you can SEE his shaft bending over double!


Sound Dubbing
Oh this one really pisses me off. Most of you will know that in my world, there is NO sexier sound than a woman in the throes of orgasm. Not even a Chevy small block V8.

Please note that I mean the sound of her REALLY cumming - not OOOHHH AHHH! YESSS! FUCK ME HARRRD!!!

Being able to jusssssst hear her whimper in pleasure, or hardly making a sound... you know - all that involuntary stuff. THAT'S where it's at.

But if the makers review their clip and think they're being too quiet, what do they do? That's right - they dub hard porn screaming sounds over the top like some badly dubbed Kinder Surprise advert!


Facial Finish
I've never understood this one. 30 minutes fucking her only to pull out and spurt your man-batter all over her face. In every single fucking scene.

Are people doing this in the privacy of their own homes?

Personally, if I'm enjoying the sex then a herd of wild World Strongest Men wouldn't be able to drag me out of her when I'm about to cum! Especially not if it mean pulling out then wanking myself off for another 10 minutes until I can deliver the payload over her face?!

And then you get to look at some other man's baby-making snot at your crucial moment!

That can't be right?!?

Have I missed any? Are you finding your partner wanting this stuff in the bedroom?

Are you finding YOURSELF wanting to copy it?

Monday, 9 March 2009

Can't... hold... it... any... longer...

Can't... hold... it... any... longer...

I've been biting my tongue for a while now over the whole Jade 'Pig Momma' Goodey shit that's on every front page every single day. I've just clicked a couple of links on MSN stories about her and her dumbfuck dipshit of a dooshbag husband, and it's finally tipped me over the edge.

I DO care enough about this twat to open my mouth. Err... fingers? Whatever! Here's the story I just read:

Jack Tweed convicted of assault

Jade Goody's husband Jack Tweed cried in the dock after being convicted of assaulting a taxi driver.

Jack, 21, was convicted of attacking Stephen Wilkins in Epping last May. He had denied the offence.

He is due to be sentenced on March 26 but his lawyer pleaded with magistrates to suspend the sentence for six months - saying Jade had just four weeks to live after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

She added the couple married less than two weeks ago and his "partying" days were over.

"His partying lifestyle is well and truly over and has been for some months now," she said.

"He tries within the confines of his tag to care for her. He is unable to work."

Magistrates were told that Jack grabbed Mr Wilkins around the neck and threatened to stab him as the taxi drove at about 50mph.

Jack said he was "stupid drunk" and had no memory of the incident.

It is the second time in six months that Jack has been convicted of assault.

Last September he was given an 18-month prison term after being found guilty of attacking a 16-year-old boy with a golf club in Ongar, Essex.

There is sooooooooo much wrong with this. If someone killed your baby but it was a year ago and the attackers 'partying days were over now' - would you give a damn? He attacked a taxi driver whilst the vehicle was moving and could have ran over any number of kittens, and even threatened to stab the poor driver - and what? We're supposed to feel sorry for the justice being done? We're supposed to suspend his sentence for whatever reason???

But even then I could sit back with everyone else in the World and think "Aww - poor them! They've done so much for cervical cancer blah blah such nice people underneath it all etc..."

And then I read another story linked to that which read this:

Jade 'has less than four weeks left'
Jade Goody has been given less than four weeks to live, her husband Jack Tweed's lawyer has said.

Jade's friend and publicist Max Clifford later said that while the situation was very bad in terms of her terminal cancer, "none of us know" exactly how long she would survive for.

He said that Jade was going to be disappointed at the court's verdict on Jack, but said he did not want to comment further about the case.

What? Because if you get cancer you and your mates are all exempt from Law??

Let me back up, for any of you who don't know who she is. Jade 'Pig Momma' Goody went on Big Brother and got chucked out for getting into a physical fight with a huge black man. She was a loudmouthed splatter of cunt back then, but actually went on to appear in another Big Brother series where she made racist comments against an Indian film star.

We were all told by the press to love this loudmouthed little scamp who represented modern strong and fun women until this - and then were were told to hate the ignorant racist fuck.

Big, shellsuit bedecked trampy whores all over slowly warmed to her again thanks to constant media coverage, and then EVERYONE loved her when she got cancer. After all, "It always happens to the best people" doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Well I'm saying that God got it right this time. I am truly horrified and disenchanted with the human race who have championed such scummy worthless false idols.

I want to strangle everyone who's bought a paper to read about Pig Momma or her violent criminal cunt of a man. It's been a break from them all buying papers to read about drug whore Amy Winehouse and her violent cunt of a 'man', though, hasn't it?

Yay for modern day heroes!

I will say that it will be a shame to split this particular couple up though... Can't they both go?